Monday, June 12, 2006

"I just ran a truckload of Mexicans off the road..."

I'm driving along, minding my own business. I come around a corner and there's this guy standing out in the middle of the road wanting me to stop.

Philip McNutt: "I just ran a truckload of Mexicans off the road!"

Me: "Sweet! Can I see?"

Philip: "Down there."

Me: "That's like a hundred feet!"

Phil: "Rolled about 40 times. Here's my phone. Call 911. I tried and couldn't get a signal. I'm going down to check on 'em."

Me: "I'll just lock my doors first."

911: "911."

Me: "Truckload of Mexicans ran off the road. Three miles south of Vienna on Highway 63. By the Gasconade river."

911: "Sweet!"

Me: "I know, right?"

911: "Anyone hurt?"

Me: "They ran off a 100ft cliff and rolled 40 times. "

911: "Sweet! K, be right out. Wait. Where are you?"

Me: "Highway 63, 3 miles south of Vienna."

911: "What's the mile marker?"

Me: "Dunno. Don't see one. I'm guessing the Mexicans hit it when they went over the cliff."

911: "That ain't good. We'd come out, but we don't know where you are. Do you have a GPS?"

Me: "You in luck, hoss. Got one right here. Hold on - it's starting up."

(30 seconds passes)

Me: "OK, It says I'm about three miles south of Vienna on Highway 63. Coordinates XXYYZZ. Three miles south of Vienna. Right next to the Gasconade River."

911: "OK, I got you on map now. " "Oh! By Moorelands All You Can Eat Catfish?"

Me: "Yeah, I guess, I'm not that much of a catfish eater."

911: "Catfish is goooooood! Their batter is goooooood!"

Me: "So it's not really true that fish makes you smarter?"

911: "Huh?"

Me: "Never mind. How long is it going to you take to get here?"

911: "'bout 30, 45 minutes."

Me: "That's terrible!"

911: "Why?"

Me: "'cause we're 3 minutes from Vienna. If Domino's took that long the pizza would be free."

911: "Well they hit my mile marker."

Me: "If they die they won't be able to buy you a new one."

911: "We'll hurry."

(45 minutes later)

Me: "That took 45 minutes!"

Hot Amalance chick: "You'd have been better off calling Domino's."

Me: "Why are you dressed that way?"

Hotchick: "We were canoeing."

Me: "Gasconade?"

Hotchick: "Yeah."

Me: "So you got to shore..."

HC: "...at Moorelands."

Me: "Then you drove to Rolla, got the amalance, then drove back?"

HC: "Yup."

Me: "Because they wouldn't know who you were without it?"

HC: "It helps."

Me: "So why aren't you doing anything for them?"

HC: "No gloves. It's illegal for me to touch them without gloves."

Me: "The amalance is out?"

HC: "We were in a hurry and got one that just got back from the shop."

Me: "So, nice tan you've got going there. Really brings out the color in your eyes."

HC: "Really think so?"

Me: "Yeah. So is that your husband, or ...?"

HC: "Partner. He drives 'em, I shock 'em. Usually only if they need it."

Me: "They always need it?"

HC: "Yeah, pretty much."

Me: "Doing anything later?"

HC: "Heading back to Rolla, probably."

Me: "Cool. So gloves on the way?"

HC: "Yeah, it's only three miles to Vienna. How far down you think that is?"

Me: "'bout 100ft. They rolled 40 times."

HC: "Sweet! That's a new record for me. You run 'em off the road?"

Me: "Nope. I was heading south at about 90MPH, and Phil jumped out in front of me. Luckily I got stopped before I hit him."

HC: "Thanks."

Me: "Hey, no problem. You wanna get together and do something after you're done here?"

HC: "It's trivia night at Applebees. You can come if you want. I usually get pretty drunk."

Me: "Yeah, all this excitement has made me kinda hungry."

HC: "What sounds good?"

Me: "Mexican."

HC: "Tacos?"

Me: "Why, you have a friend you wanna bring along?"

HC: "Huh?"

Me: "Never mind."

(45 minutes passes)

HC: "Oh, Taco! I get it! Hehehe."



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