Monday, May 01, 2006

Anything can happen at lunch...

Anything Can Happen At Lunch

At lunch, anything can happen. Waitresses bitter over the tip the last customer left accidentally spill a drink, townies fist-fight over the last piece of Carp on the buffet. At the Grotto on Taco Thursday, you might find the entire IT help desk staff at your organization smoking dope and snarfing tacos like crazy, or encounter disgruntled ex-pizza delivery idiots stopping cars and passing out Nazi party literature (presumably to scare away customers). Over-stressed co-workers get out and kick in the door of the guy that cut him off at that last light. If you’re lucky, a load of pizzas won’t fall out the back door of the Little Caesar’s truck and land on your hood. Anything can happen at lunch. You might even get something to eat.

Good service rather than good food is the reason I go some places and don’t go to others. I frequent Imo’s Pizza for that reason. That and I never know when the beautiful, sexy and sultry “Hot Aunt Lori” will stop in and say hello…:) My friends and I boycotted the place for over a year until they got rid of the crazy owner and the Nazis. The waitresses there are the best! Denise is my favorite – she brings my Diet Coke to the table before I ever sit down, changes the TV to my favorite channel (FoxNews, of course), tries to fix me up with the cute girl sitting at the table across the room, flirts with me constantly, and brings us cake on birthdays and cupcakes on Easter. On top of that she tells everyone what a great photographer I am and gets me all kinds of business. Other waitresses will sit in your lap and take your order, throw dirty diapers onto the hoods of the cars of customers who dare leave them behind for a tip, arm wrestle the other waitresses to see who gets a customer, show you their perky boobs if you tip well, jump up on the counter and strip, and we think one of them might even spend the night for a $100 bill.

Johnny’s BBQ tried hiring only super-hot, super-stupid waitresses. Then they had to convert to a buffet style dinner because the waitresses ever get orders right. If you go there, ask to sit at the death table – they’ll know what you’re talking about. We went there one day, and there’s a line of about 20 people waiting to be seated, and the waitress grabs us from the back of the line and gives us a seat in front of all these people. And we couldn’t figure out what was going on, and why they weren’t complaining that we cut in front of them. So at the end of the meal, the waitress sits down and says “5 minutes before you got here, a guy sitting at your table ordered cheesecake, ate one bite, then collapsed and died. They just hauled him off.” So if you really want to freak them out, order “The Cheesecake To Die for”.

I’ve been in two car wrecks at lunch. For the first one, I was sitting at a stop light and a drunk in a stolen car hit me from behind at about 35MPH. The Rolla MO townie cops gave him a ticket and then let him drive away, even though he didn’t have insurance. Then they subpoenaed me for his trial. He was fined $75, told them he couldn’t pay, and they let him go if he promised to pay $4/month. The only good thing to come of that is that his wife and his girlfriend both came to the trial. The second time, a load of pizzas fell out the back door of a Little Caesars Pizza truck and landed on my hood. The reporting officer was dating the Little Caesars manager and did everything he could to stall me, then flat out lied on the police report when that didn’t work. If you get a chance to give business to anyone other than Little Caesars, Rolla or the town drunk, go for it.

Sometimes I get 6 errands done and still find time to grab a cheeseburger, and other times I wait 2 hrs for the check. Why? “I’m sorry sir, but your waitress was arrested.” Why? “She stole a car.” Apparently she went to “The Wal-Marts” and then got into the wrong car and drove off. When the police took her back to switch cars, the other person had driven off in her car. So we have proof that Ford locks are worthless, and the chances of someone driving off in your car because they thought it was theirs goes up exponentially with your proximity to “The Wal-Marts”. A friend of mine left a $50 tip for a Hooters waitress that sat on his lap and fed him fries on Easter Sunday. The waitresses at Denny’s don’t seem to understand why I complain that they served me a chicken sandwich with the waxed paper still on it like a piece of cheese. Another friend does stand-up comedy at the Comedy Store in St Louis on weekends. Weekdays he does stand-up in the drive-thru of the local McDonalds, even though he owns the place.

My best friend Debra taught me the value of getting out of the office at lunch time. She always tried to get her errands done at lunch because it left her evenings and weekends free. And she was right – I get so much more done that way! Deb also taught me about the value of getting out of the office and going for leisurely drives through the countryside instead of going to lunch. We’d drive down to Lane Spring or Maramec Spring. God, I really miss our drives through the country...

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